I loved being a high school teacher. Early in my career, I spent several years teaching in autism support classrooms in Northern California. It was a gift to see my students emerge from puberty and move on toward meaningful adult lives. I witnessed their tremendous growth from when they joined me in grade nine at 14 until they graduated at 18 or aged out of school support programs at 21.
Self-determination was an important skill; I wanted my students to learn how to make choices and control their own lives to the greatest extent possible. One of the ways they could learn this skill was to help make decisions about the goals in their Individualized Education Program (IEP). I’d frequently ask them, “What is most important to you to learn this year?” And the answer was often some version of:
“I want to learn how to get a girlfriend.”
Relationships are important. And let’s be honest: How many people in the world spend enormous effort trying to find a life partner? The Match Group (Tinder, OkCupid, etc.) is estimated to be worth 9.9 billion dollars! Researchers Beato and Corereia (2021) researched autism and romance and found that autistic youth and adults are very interested in establishing romantic relationships.
Having a relationship was essential to my students. I had my marching orders; one of my goals as an educator was to support the development of relationship skills. I provided lessons and coaching. I started by sharing that people often connect over their shared interests. This led to:
- Frankie trying to convince his classmate Kathy that she really does want to come over to his house for a date and listen to his collection of Gregorian Chants.
- Michael approached a young woman in his math class whom he had never spoken to and stated random facts about mathematicians.
Frankie and Michael did not get a date.
I wish I had known about Active Constructive Responding at the time and the skill of “Showcase the Good.” Showcase the Good is a response style that boosts wellbeing, trust, intimacy, social connections, and positive affect. If Frankie and Michael knew how to “Showcase the Good” with these two young women, they might have been a bit more effective in securing a date or at least a conversation! As a teacher, I could have taught all my students this communication skill to help them build relationships and engage in more meaningful interactions.
The good news is that Frankie and Michael had great peer relationships at school and were able to use their friends to help them be successful in the dating world.
They both attended Senior Prom with their high school crushes.
